If you're one of those people who's always wanted to be apologised to by a former Nazi pilot, St George's Day is the day for you - and the place is Bath. At around lunchtime, a German man will be saying sorry about the unpleasant business of aerial bombing the living bejesus out of downtown Bath.
The ceremony will take place in the remains of a combined orphanage and puppy sanctuary destroyed during the "Baedecker Blitz" of April 1942. The German man will address a mob made up of the relatives of those killed and injured by the Nazis, and will shuffle from foot to foot and mumble some words of regret while staring down at his Birkenstocks.
A small child, chosen by a competition on BBC Radio South West's "Mr Flibberts" programme, will then approach the German man to accept the apology. As he extends his little hand to shake that of the sad old German, he will be viciously pulled back by members of the mob, clipped around the ear and told not to be so trusting.
The German man will then be more sorry. Speaking through an interpreter, he will list the names of each of the six million tortured in the Nazi death camps, beginning with Buchenwald and moving on through Dachau, Belsen and Auschwitz. After each name, he will say "Das tut mir Leid" ("I am sorry"). After two hours, he will be interrupted by the child who, having learned his lesson, will tell the German man "Es ist zu früh" ("It is too soon").
The German man will then produce a pair of secateurs and snip off a part of his body to indicate that he really is sorry now. Last year, the German (a Herr von Bülow) removed a thumb, and speculation is mounting that this year's German man might sever his nose. Whichever body part is removed will then be placed on a horse-drawn carriage to be paraded through the Georgian terraces of central Bath and jeered at by Girl Guides.
If you miss the ceremony, you are still entitled to an apology from the Germans. Simply ring 00 49 and any number of your choice, and say "Wo ist meine Entschuldigung?".
Who do you think WE should be apologising to? Keep sending us your suggestions.
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8 comments:
In return, we should carpet-apologise Dresden.
Jon & Sam
This post is clearly a load of nonsensical jibberish...everybody knows that 'Mr Flibberts' wonderful programme is on BBC Radio Bristol not 'South West'.
isn't it time we now apologise for 'Allo 'Allo?
and more generally for 'My Family'?
I'm, still waiting for one of those dreadful Norwegians/Swedes/Danes to come and say sorry for the hundreds of years of Viking raids we had to endure, just over a thousand years ago. Bloomin' Danegeld and all that raping and pillaging. Disgusting. And don’t get me onto the Normans.
J Warry (Ancient Briton/Anglo Saxon lineage), Tooting
and Ikea, the fuckers, they're springing up everywhere now.
@willyk:
This is a transparent and pathetic attempt to solicit an apology from me, when I am the *last* person that should be apologising to *anyone*, right or wrong. I insist that you apologise for having the audacity to embarrass me on my own (admittedly licence-fee-funded) blog.
Have you seen Bath? It's a beautifully preserved city. He should be apologising to the German High Command for being such a rubbish bomber.
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