All packed up and ready to go, but just got this in from Olly Mann and Helen Zaltzman (additional material by Peter Williams), the lovely people behind the Answer Me This podcast.
Thanks guys!
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Fergie
Thanks for your ideas for Alex Ferguson answer machine messages. Here's the winner set to music, I mean - sound. A little treat for you on your way home.
powered by ODEO
powered by ODEO
Accidents in the workplace
Never mind young people getting injured in the workplace, what about my bloody coffee?
Listen to this and learn, bad employers of Britain. This is how we do things at the BBC.
powered by ODEO
Update: Should be working now.
Listen to this and learn, bad employers of Britain. This is how we do things at the BBC.
powered by ODEO
Update: Should be working now.
The world's biggest lesson
Today sees The World's Biggest Lesson, with millions of children across 120 countries taking part in a simultaneous class.
Using the Glee Worldwebcam, situated on the moon, we're able to bring you a live feed of how it's going so far.
If you have any news from your area from the World's Biggest Lesson, please send it in and we will amend the image. Maybe.
Using the Glee Worldwebcam, situated on the moon, we're able to bring you a live feed of how it's going so far.
If you have any news from your area from the World's Biggest Lesson, please send it in and we will amend the image. Maybe.
Our official line
Danielle Ward answers some more of your questions...
Eddie from 'The North' asks:
Danielle: I'd say cheer up you big loser. At least you didn't cry like Mark Allen. What an embarrassment.
MB in London asks two questions:
Danielle: I think you have to have sex to have a baby. Whoever told you eating bananas was the way to conceive was misleading you.
Danielle: To celebrate St George slaying the dragon I will be attempting to get into a fight with someone Welsh.
Marc from Surrey asks:
Danielle: Teachers + lots of holiday - (any respect or dignity x knife violence) = my opinion.
Lee from Derbyshire asks:
Danielle: There are three tax bands. 10%, 22% and 40% and depending on how much you earn, you are taxed accordingly. Unless you are very rich in which case you can avoid paying it altogether.
Eddie from 'The North' asks:
"Would Danielle like to offer some words of encouragement to Stephen Lee, who is considering quitting snooker? He would be a great loss to the sport as he is by some margin the fattest player on the circuit."
Danielle: I'd say cheer up you big loser. At least you didn't cry like Mark Allen. What an embarrassment.
MB in London asks two questions:
"Apparently if you eat bananas for breakfast you are more likely to give birth to a boy. What do you get if you eat Coco Pops?"
Danielle: I think you have to have sex to have a baby. Whoever told you eating bananas was the way to conceive was misleading you.
"How are you celebrating St George's Day?"
Danielle: To celebrate St George slaying the dragon I will be attempting to get into a fight with someone Welsh.
Marc from Surrey asks:
"What do you think of the teacher's strike planned for tomorrow (remember to show your workings)?"
Danielle: Teachers + lots of holiday - (any respect or dignity x knife violence) = my opinion.
Lee from Derbyshire asks:
"I still have no clue what the 10p tax rate is, can you explain it in a way that a human can understand?"
Danielle: There are three tax bands. 10%, 22% and 40% and depending on how much you earn, you are taxed accordingly. Unless you are very rich in which case you can avoid paying it altogether.
Cereals: some research
David Wateracre (a Scorpio) suggested this story from The Guardian.
It seems research from the Universities of Exeter and Oxford published today has found that even breakfast affects pregnant ladies:
The world's cereal companies have been carefully monitoring the research, and Glee has received a copy of the survey they had ready to bombard the tabloids with if the results had said anything bad about eating breakfast cereal.
++ PRESS RELEASE ++
++ EMBARGOED UNTIL MIDNIGHT 23-04-2008 ++
WOMEN WOULD MOST LIKE TO SLEEP WITH TONY THE TIGER, SURVEY REVEALS
The breakfast cereal mascot that most British women would like to enjoy a night of passion with is Tony The Frosties Tiger, a survey has revealed.
The irreprisible feline avatar topped a poll, pipping rivals The Honey Monster and Coco, the Coco Pops Monkey.
The scientific research, sponsored by the manufacturers of healthy and nutritious breakfast cereals International Pharmological Chemofoods-Kerosene Inc., has been welcomed by Mr Tiger, who said "I make women feel grrrrrrrrreat."
The results in full are:
1. Tony The Tiger
2. The Honey Monster
3. Crackle
4. Coco The Monkey
5. The Honey Loops Bee
6. The Corn Flakes Hen
7. Pop
8. The Quaker Oats Quaker
9. Snap / Golden Graham [tie]
10. All Bran's "Mr Regular"
NOTES FOR EDITORS: The research was carried out between 1600 and 1630HRS on Tuesday April 22nd, and over 9 women were polled. Breakfast cereal is good for you and certainly better than grapefruits or smoothies. Hi-res pictures of various cereal mascots available on request to fill your lovely pages with, also images of Maxim's Hometown Hotties leering provocatively at Tony The Tiger.
ENDS
Have you, dear reader, seen any surveys in the news which you suspect may serve the interests of brand-management more than the pursuit of truth?
Send your dodgy advertorial surveys to glee@bbc.co.uk.
It seems research from the Universities of Exeter and Oxford published today has found that even breakfast affects pregnant ladies:
It seems that the women who ate a bowl of cereal at the beginning of their day were the most likely to have boys.
The world's cereal companies have been carefully monitoring the research, and Glee has received a copy of the survey they had ready to bombard the tabloids with if the results had said anything bad about eating breakfast cereal.
++ PRESS RELEASE ++
++ EMBARGOED UNTIL MIDNIGHT 23-04-2008 ++
WOMEN WOULD MOST LIKE TO SLEEP WITH TONY THE TIGER, SURVEY REVEALS
The breakfast cereal mascot that most British women would like to enjoy a night of passion with is Tony The Frosties Tiger, a survey has revealed.
The irreprisible feline avatar topped a poll, pipping rivals The Honey Monster and Coco, the Coco Pops Monkey.
The scientific research, sponsored by the manufacturers of healthy and nutritious breakfast cereals International Pharmological Chemofoods-Kerosene Inc., has been welcomed by Mr Tiger, who said "I make women feel grrrrrrrrreat."
The results in full are:
1. Tony The Tiger
2. The Honey Monster
3. Crackle
4. Coco The Monkey
5. The Honey Loops Bee
6. The Corn Flakes Hen
7. Pop
8. The Quaker Oats Quaker
9. Snap / Golden Graham [tie]
10. All Bran's "Mr Regular"
NOTES FOR EDITORS: The research was carried out between 1600 and 1630HRS on Tuesday April 22nd, and over 9 women were polled. Breakfast cereal is good for you and certainly better than grapefruits or smoothies. Hi-res pictures of various cereal mascots available on request to fill your lovely pages with, also images of Maxim's Hometown Hotties leering provocatively at Tony The Tiger.
ENDS
Have you, dear reader, seen any surveys in the news which you suspect may serve the interests of brand-management more than the pursuit of truth?
Send your dodgy advertorial surveys to glee@bbc.co.uk.
Video response (part 2)
"....And another thing!" She's on a roll - Danielle lists a few people who ought to apologise.
So far you've suggested Ikea, the makers of 'Allo 'Allo, and John Prescott among others as people who ought to issue an apology, as well as admit to some pretty heinous behaviour of your own. Any others?
So far you've suggested Ikea, the makers of 'Allo 'Allo, and John Prescott among others as people who ought to issue an apology, as well as admit to some pretty heinous behaviour of your own. Any others?
Video response (part 1)
Danielle Ward rants about apologies in the Blue Peter garden. John Noakes this ain't.
Thanks for everything we've received so far...
Keep those suggestions coming in, because at 1.30pm we'll be posting Danielle Ward's video response.
Apologies from history
Following on from today's Nazi apology in Bath, here are five more apologies for you to enjoy over your morning coffee:
Unfortunate headline placement in the New York Times suggests Pope apologises to 41,000 sexual abuse victims.
Kramer from Seinfeld repents for his racist tirade.
Jade Goody's completely spontaneous apology in which she definitely fully understands what she is apologising for.
Can you think of any others?
Unfortunate headline placement in the New York Times suggests Pope apologises to 41,000 sexual abuse victims.
Kramer from Seinfeld repents for his racist tirade.
Jade Goody's completely spontaneous apology in which she definitely fully understands what she is apologising for.
Can you think of any others?
Question Time
Some answers to the questions you've been sending today's gardener Danielle Ward...
Andrew from London asks:
Danielle: Les has a BBC pass now he's on Match Of The Day, so he can break into the Blue Peter Garden and smash it up anytime he likes. It's one of the perks of working for Aunty. There are rumours that Mark Lawrenson once weed in the barbeque. I started those rumours.
Ben from Windsor asks:
Daielle: "John Noakes likes to do it doggy style". I think Peter Duncan wrote that one.
Concerned in Battersea asks:
Danielle: As a non-homeowner I have no sympathy for you. My favourite bit of Property Ladder is when the house market has failed to rise and idiots are left with some wanky art deco house that takes them into negative equity. Bellends.
Luke from North London:
Danielle: If you've spent £4000 of tax payers money on 'food' and you need to find a reason. What sounds better. I'm a greedy git or I've got a mental illness? So yes, I think they did.
Andrew from London asks:
Danielle: We had to take down the John Leslie statute as it was anatomically correct and therefore kept falling over forwards. He's not bad, he's just got a massive penis. Them are "love bruises".
Ken from Hackney asks:
Danielle: Yes. We have pink balls now. That is all the MCC can handle or it will melt. I only like darts and snooker. Real sports that anyone can play no matter how fat or stupid they are.
Check back here soon for more of Danielle's answers on video.
Andrew from London asks:
"If Les Ferdinand tried to break into the garden and smash it up now, what would you do? How?"
Danielle: Les has a BBC pass now he's on Match Of The Day, so he can break into the Blue Peter Garden and smash it up anytime he likes. It's one of the perks of working for Aunty. There are rumours that Mark Lawrenson once weed in the barbeque. I started those rumours.
Ben from Windsor asks:
"Can you read out some of the graffiti in the garden?"
Daielle: "John Noakes likes to do it doggy style". I think Peter Duncan wrote that one.
Concerned in Battersea asks:
"As a homeowner, I'm worried that today's rain will lower my house price. Do you have any tips to help me avoid this ghastly fate?"
Danielle: As a non-homeowner I have no sympathy for you. My favourite bit of Property Ladder is when the house market has failed to rise and idiots are left with some wanky art deco house that takes them into negative equity. Bellends.
Luke from North London:
"Jon Prescott has bulimia. Do you think the media drove him to it?"
Danielle: If you've spent £4000 of tax payers money on 'food' and you need to find a reason. What sounds better. I'm a greedy git or I've got a mental illness? So yes, I think they did.
Andrew from London asks:
"Why is it only Petra who gets a statue? Isn't that discrimination?"
Danielle: We had to take down the John Leslie statute as it was anatomically correct and therefore kept falling over forwards. He's not bad, he's just got a massive penis. Them are "love bruises".
Ken from Hackney asks:
"Is one day cricket just too fast and exciting for this country."
Danielle: Yes. We have pink balls now. That is all the MCC can handle or it will melt. I only like darts and snooker. Real sports that anyone can play no matter how fat or stupid they are.
Check back here soon for more of Danielle's answers on video.
Templates
We thought we'd give you a headstart on ideas for things that need to be apologised for.
Just click on these templates, right-click to nick them, and fill in the blanks. Send them to glee@bbc.co.uk when you're done.
Just click on these templates, right-click to nick them, and fill in the blanks. Send them to glee@bbc.co.uk when you're done.
Send us your ideas
Just spotted this story - a German Luftwaffe pilot is set to apologise on April 25th to an English city he bombed during World War II
Who do you think we should be apologising to?
Tell us in the comments below.
Who do you think we should be apologising to?
Tell us in the comments below.
The hardest word
If you're one of those people who's always wanted to be apologised to by a former Nazi pilot, St George's Day is the day for you - and the place is Bath. At around lunchtime, a German man will be saying sorry about the unpleasant business of aerial bombing the living bejesus out of downtown Bath.
The ceremony will take place in the remains of a combined orphanage and puppy sanctuary destroyed during the "Baedecker Blitz" of April 1942. The German man will address a mob made up of the relatives of those killed and injured by the Nazis, and will shuffle from foot to foot and mumble some words of regret while staring down at his Birkenstocks.
A small child, chosen by a competition on BBC Radio South West's "Mr Flibberts" programme, will then approach the German man to accept the apology. As he extends his little hand to shake that of the sad old German, he will be viciously pulled back by members of the mob, clipped around the ear and told not to be so trusting.
The German man will then be more sorry. Speaking through an interpreter, he will list the names of each of the six million tortured in the Nazi death camps, beginning with Buchenwald and moving on through Dachau, Belsen and Auschwitz. After each name, he will say "Das tut mir Leid" ("I am sorry"). After two hours, he will be interrupted by the child who, having learned his lesson, will tell the German man "Es ist zu früh" ("It is too soon").
The German man will then produce a pair of secateurs and snip off a part of his body to indicate that he really is sorry now. Last year, the German (a Herr von Bülow) removed a thumb, and speculation is mounting that this year's German man might sever his nose. Whichever body part is removed will then be placed on a horse-drawn carriage to be paraded through the Georgian terraces of central Bath and jeered at by Girl Guides.
If you miss the ceremony, you are still entitled to an apology from the Germans. Simply ring 00 49 and any number of your choice, and say "Wo ist meine Entschuldigung?".
Who do you think WE should be apologising to? Keep sending us your suggestions.
The ceremony will take place in the remains of a combined orphanage and puppy sanctuary destroyed during the "Baedecker Blitz" of April 1942. The German man will address a mob made up of the relatives of those killed and injured by the Nazis, and will shuffle from foot to foot and mumble some words of regret while staring down at his Birkenstocks.
A small child, chosen by a competition on BBC Radio South West's "Mr Flibberts" programme, will then approach the German man to accept the apology. As he extends his little hand to shake that of the sad old German, he will be viciously pulled back by members of the mob, clipped around the ear and told not to be so trusting.
The German man will then be more sorry. Speaking through an interpreter, he will list the names of each of the six million tortured in the Nazi death camps, beginning with Buchenwald and moving on through Dachau, Belsen and Auschwitz. After each name, he will say "Das tut mir Leid" ("I am sorry"). After two hours, he will be interrupted by the child who, having learned his lesson, will tell the German man "Es ist zu früh" ("It is too soon").
The German man will then produce a pair of secateurs and snip off a part of his body to indicate that he really is sorry now. Last year, the German (a Herr von Bülow) removed a thumb, and speculation is mounting that this year's German man might sever his nose. Whichever body part is removed will then be placed on a horse-drawn carriage to be paraded through the Georgian terraces of central Bath and jeered at by Girl Guides.
If you miss the ceremony, you are still entitled to an apology from the Germans. Simply ring 00 49 and any number of your choice, and say "Wo ist meine Entschuldigung?".
Who do you think WE should be apologising to? Keep sending us your suggestions.
Good morning!
Some of the stories that caught our eye this morning are...
Mugabe has one the first recount in Zimbabwe's elections. Jokes!
Hillary Clinton beats rival US Democrat Barack Obama in a key vote in Pennsylvania, keeping her campaign alive.
Woman's diet around the time of conception may influence the gender of her baby, research suggests. The study suggests a high calorie diet at this time - and regular breakfasts - might increase the odds of a boy.
Lembit and Cheeky are engaged.
Any better ideas?
Mugabe has one the first recount in Zimbabwe's elections. Jokes!
Hillary Clinton beats rival US Democrat Barack Obama in a key vote in Pennsylvania, keeping her campaign alive.
Woman's diet around the time of conception may influence the gender of her baby, research suggests. The study suggests a high calorie diet at this time - and regular breakfasts - might increase the odds of a boy.
Lembit and Cheeky are engaged.
Any better ideas?
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Welcome!
On WEDS APRIL 23 we are piloting a brand new topical BLOG format for a new BBC Comedy website.
Our guest BLOGGER Alan Connor will be focusing on news items throughout the day, but we want your responses, ideas and - if you think you can better him - jokes.
Go over to Glee Today for more cultural, zeitgeisty issues from BLOGGER Joel Morris.
Our guest BLOGGER Alan Connor will be focusing on news items throughout the day, but we want your responses, ideas and - if you think you can better him - jokes.
Go over to Glee Today for more cultural, zeitgeisty issues from BLOGGER Joel Morris.
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